Japanese Funeral Traditions and Eulogy Guide
If your family is Japanese or Japanese American and you are facing a funeral for the first time, the number of customs and small rules can feel like a lot — especially while you are grieving. This guide covers the core Japanese funeral traditions, what happens at each stage from the wake to the memorial services that follow, and how to speak about your loved one in a way that fits the tone of a Japanese service.
You do not need to know every detail. You need to know what to expect and what matters most.
The Spirit of Japanese Funeral Customs
Japanese funerals are built around three values: respect, restraint, and continuity with ancestors. The services are quieter than many Western funerals. Emotion is real but not loud. The rituals are careful and precise because the care itself is the tribute.
Here's the thing: if you are used to American-style funerals with long speeches and dramatic moments, a Japanese service may feel understated. That is the point. The restraint is not coldness. It is dignity.
Buddhist Roots
About 90 percent of Japanese funerals follow Buddhist tradition, usually from one of the major schools (Jodo, Zen, Nichiren, or Shingon). Buddhist funerals focus on guiding the spirit through death and toward rebirth or enlightenment. The priest chants sutras, the family receives a kaimyo (posthumous Buddhist name) for the deceased, and the body is cremated.
Shinto and Other Traditions
Shinto funerals are rarer because Shinto focuses on purity and life, and views death as impure. When they happen, they emphasize purification rituals and the transition of the soul into an ancestral spirit. Christian and secular Japanese funerals also happen, especially in Japanese American communities, and they may borrow elements from the Buddhist framework.
What Happens at a Japanese Funeral
A full Japanese funeral unfolds over two days and follows a consistent structure. Knowing the order helps you plan, and it helps you show up correctly for someone else's service.
Preparation of the Body
Shortly after death, the body is washed in a ritual called matsugo no mizu (last water), where family members moisten the lips with water. The body is then dressed — traditionally in a white kimono, though sometimes in the person's favorite clothes — and placed in the casket with personal items like photos, a favorite book, or flowers.
A small altar is set up beside the body with the person's photo, incense, candles, and a bowl of rice with chopsticks standing upright. (In daily life, chopsticks stood upright in rice is taboo precisely because it evokes the funeral altar.)
The Otsuya (Wake)
The otsuya is the wake, held the night before the funeral. It is a quieter, more intimate event than the funeral itself. A Buddhist priest comes to chant sutras while family and close friends sit and listen. Guests approach the altar one at a time to offer incense (usually three pinches) and bow.
If you are attending an otsuya, arrive on time, wear black, and bring your koden (condolence money) in a proper envelope. Sit quietly. Speak only when spoken to. Stay for the priest's chanting and for a short meal or tea after, if one is offered.
The Funeral Service (Kokubetsu-shiki)
The next day is the kokubetsu-shiki, the farewell ceremony. It is a longer version of the wake — more guests, more sutra chanting, more incense offerings. The priest may give a short sermon. The chief mourner (usually the eldest son or surviving spouse) gives a brief address thanking guests for coming and acknowledging the deceased.
Flowers are placed around the body inside the casket as a final farewell. The casket is then closed and carried to the hearse.
Cremation and Kotsuage
Almost all Japanese funerals end in cremation — burial is rare. The family travels to the crematorium and waits while the cremation takes place, usually one to two hours.
After cremation comes kotsuage, one of the most intimate rituals of a Japanese funeral. Family members gather around the cremated remains and use special long chopsticks to transfer the bones into the urn. Two people lift each bone together, passing it from chopstick to chopstick. The bones are placed in the urn in a specific order — feet first, head last — so the person is not upside down in the afterlife.
This ritual is the only time in Japanese culture when it is proper to pass something chopstick to chopstick. Any other context is deeply taboo.
After the Funeral: Memorial Services
Japanese mourning does not end at the cremation. A series of memorial services follow, each one marking the soul's progress through the Buddhist afterlife.
- Seventh day (shonanoka): First memorial, often combined with the funeral in modern practice.
- Forty-ninth day (shijukunichi): The most important memorial. The soul is believed to reach its next life on this day. The family holds a service and often places the urn in the family grave.
- First anniversary (isshuuki) and third anniversary (sankaiki): Continuing memorials.
- Seventh, thirteenth, seventeenth, twenty-third, twenty-seventh, thirty-third, and fiftieth anniversaries: Progressively smaller observances, often ending at the 33rd or 50th year.
How to Speak at a Japanese Funeral
If you are the chief mourner or a close family member, you may be asked to give a short address — not a long Western-style eulogy, but a brief speech of acknowledgment. Here is how to approach it.
Keep It Short
Five minutes is long. Three minutes is often better. Japanese funeral speeches are not meant to explore the person's life in detail. They are meant to thank the guests and honor the deceased with a few well-chosen words.
Thank the Guests First
Begin by thanking everyone for coming. In Japanese culture, attending a funeral is a significant gesture, and acknowledging it is expected.
"On behalf of my family, I want to thank each of you for coming today to say goodbye to my mother. Many of you traveled far. Some of you cared for her during her illness. Your kindness has held our family up."
Name the Person's Qualities Briefly
Pick two or three qualities and illustrate each with a short example. Do not list adjectives. Show the person in action.
"My mother was quiet, but she was never passive. When my father was in the hospital, she sat with him every day for six months and never once complained. When my sister's marriage was falling apart, she flew across the country and stayed for three weeks. She showed her love by being present."
Acknowledge the Ancestors
A short line connecting the deceased to the family lineage fits Japanese tradition well.
"My mother is now with her own mother and father, with her grandmother who raised her through the war. She has returned to them. We will tend her grave and remember her on every anniversary."
Close with Gratitude
End briefly. A direct address to the deceased, or a final thank-you to the guests.
"Okaa-san, thank you. For everything. Please rest well."
Sample Eulogy Passages
For Japanese American families or services where a fuller eulogy is welcome, here are short passages you can adapt.
For a mother:
"My mother kept a garden for forty-seven years. She grew tomatoes, shiso, cucumbers, and in every year I remember, she grew too much — enough to give away to every neighbor on our block. That was my mother. She grew more than she needed so that other people would have enough."
For a father:
"My father did not say 'I love you.' He said, 'Did you eat?' He said, 'Drive carefully.' He said, 'Call me when you get there.' For forty years I heard those sentences from him, and for forty years I did not know they were the same sentence. Now I know."
For a grandparent:
"Obaachan folded every piece of laundry in the house, even when her hands hurt. She ironed my school uniform, my father's shirts, the pillowcases. She said clean clothes were a form of respect — respect for the people wearing them, respect for the day ahead. I think about that every morning when I get dressed."
Funeral Etiquette for Guests
A practical reference if you are attending a Japanese funeral:
Dress: - Men: black suit, white shirt, black tie, black socks and shoes. - Women: black dress or suit, black stockings, simple black shoes. Minimal jewelry — only pearls are acceptable. - Avoid bright colors, patterns, or flashy accessories.
Koden (condolence money): - Place crisp bills in a special koden envelope (koden-bukuro), usually decorated with black and silver or black and white cords. - Write your name on the front in black ink. - Hand the envelope to the receptionist when you arrive.
At the altar: - Bow to the family. - Approach the altar, bow to the photo of the deceased. - Offer incense: take a pinch with your right hand, raise it briefly to your forehead, and drop it on the burning incense. Most schools do this three times; ask if unsure. - Press your palms together, bow one more time, and return to your seat.
Words to avoid: - Avoid words associated with repetition or continuation (like "again" or "more"), which can imply another death. - Simple phrases like "Please accept my condolences" (go-shuushou-sama desu) are appropriate.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is an otsuya?
An otsuya is the Japanese wake, usually held the night before the funeral. Family and close friends gather to keep vigil with the body, offer incense, and hear a priest chant sutras. It is a quieter event than a Western wake, focused on respect and presence.
Are Japanese funerals always Buddhist?
Most Japanese funerals are Buddhist, but some are Shinto, Christian, or secular. Around 90 percent follow Buddhist rites, which include sutra chanting, posthumous Buddhist names, and cremation. Shinto funerals are rarer and focus on purification and ancestral spirits.
What is kotsuage?
Kotsuage is the post-cremation ritual where family members use special chopsticks to transfer the deceased's bones from the cremation tray into the urn. Two people lift each bone together, passing it from chopstick to chopstick. It is considered the final act of farewell.
How much money do you give at a Japanese funeral?
Guests bring condolence money (koden) in a special envelope called a koden-bukuro. Amounts vary by relationship — typically 3,000 to 10,000 yen for colleagues, 10,000 to 30,000 yen for close friends, and 30,000 to 100,000 yen or more for relatives. Avoid amounts with a 4 (shi, death) or 9 (ku, suffering).
Do Japanese funerals include eulogies?
Traditional Buddhist Japanese funerals do not include Western-style eulogies. Tributes may come from the chief mourner's short address or from friends who speak briefly at the wake. Eulogies are more common in Christian and secular Japanese funerals, and in Japanese American communities.
Related Reading
If you'd like more help, these may be useful:
Ready to Write Your Eulogy?
Speaking about someone you loved, in any tradition, is hard work during the hardest week of your life. If your service calls for a few careful words or a fuller eulogy, you do not have to start from nothing.
If you would like help writing a tribute that honors Japanese tradition and sounds like the person you lost, our service can put together a personalized draft based on a few questions about their life. Start at eulogyexpert.com/form — you will have something to work with the same day.