Jewish Funeral Traditions and Eulogy Guide

If you are planning a Jewish funeral or preparing to speak at one, the first thing to know is that Jewish funeral traditions are both ancient and surprisingly practical. The emphasis is on honoring the dead (kavod ha-met) and comforting the mourners (nichum aveilim) — not on elaborate display. Burial happens quickly. The community rallies around the family. Grief is given its time, and then, by design, life continues.

This guide covers what happens at a Jewish funeral, how shiva and longer mourning periods work, and how to write a hesped — the traditional Jewish eulogy — that honors both the person and the tradition.

The Jewish Approach to Death

A few principles shape every part of a Jewish funeral:

• Speed. Burial happens as soon as possible, ideally within 24 hours.
• Simplicity. Traditional Jewish burial uses a plain wooden casket, a simple white shroud (tachrichim), and no embalming.
• Dignity. The body is treated with strict care — washed and prepared by a sacred burial society (chevra kadisha), guarded (shmirah) until burial, and never left alone.
• Community. The family does not mourn alone. The community shows up to wash, to dig, to feed, to pray.
• Honesty about grief. Jewish tradition does not rush past sadness or paper over it with platitudes.

Here's the thing: the Jewish tradition assumes you are in pain, and it builds a structure around you so you do not have to hold yourself up alone.

Before the Funeral

From the moment of death, specific practices begin:

• The body is not left alone. A shomer (guard) stays with the body, often reading psalms, until burial.
• The chevra kadisha — the sacred burial society — performs taharah, the ritual washing and dressing of the body in plain white shrouds.
• Embalming is traditionally avoided, as is open-casket viewing.
• The casket is plain wood, often pine, with no metal parts. It is meant to decompose naturally with the body.
• Keriah — the tearing of a garment or a black ribbon worn by immediate family — is performed just before the service. It is a physical expression of grief.

Reform and some Conservative families may adapt these practices. Orthodox families follow them strictly.

The Funeral Service

A Jewish funeral is short and focused. It usually lasts 20 to 45 minutes. It is held at a funeral home chapel, at a synagogue, or at the graveside.

The service typically includes:

1. Psalms — often Psalm 23 and others
2. The hesped — eulogies by the rabbi and/or family members
3. El Malei Rachamim — a prayer asking God to grant perfect rest to the soul
4. The procession to the grave
5. The burial itself — mourners often take turns shoveling earth onto the casket
6. The Mourner's Kaddish — recited at the graveside

The shoveling of earth is one of the most powerful moments. You don't pass the shovel directly — you place it down and the next person picks it up. Many communities use the back of the shovel for the first scoop, as a sign of reluctance. You are doing a final act of care for the deceased, and you are doing it with your own hands.

What to Wear

Dark, modest clothing. Men traditionally wear a kippah (head covering) at the service; they are usually provided at the door if you don't have one. Married Orthodox women may cover their heads. Avoid bright colors. Leather is traditionally avoided by the immediate mourners during shiva (not by attendees at the funeral).

What Not to Bring

No flowers. Not at the funeral, not to the shiva house. This is one of the most common mistakes non-Jewish attendees make. In place of flowers:

• A donation to a charity in the deceased's memory
• Food for the shiva house (see below for what is appropriate)
• A note or card to the family

Shiva: The Seven Days

After the burial, the immediate family — parents, siblings, spouse, children of the deceased — observe shiva, the seven-day mourning period. They stay at home, typically at one family member's house. Visitors come to comfort them.

Shiva customs include:

• Sitting on low chairs or stools — a sign of being brought low by grief
• Covering mirrors — so the mourners are not focused on themselves or vanity
• Not wearing leather shoes — another sign of discomfort
• Not shaving, cutting hair, or bathing for pleasure
• Not working — the outside world waits
• Not greeting visitors first — visitors enter, sit with the mourner, and wait for the mourner to speak first
• A memorial candle — burning for the full seven days

Daily prayer services (minyan) are often held in the shiva home, morning and evening, so that the mourners can say kaddish without leaving.

What to Say at a Shiva Visit

The traditional line, said as you leave:

"May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."

In Hebrew: HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch sh'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim.

But honestly, the most important thing is to show up and let the mourner lead. Sit quietly. If they talk, listen. If they don't, just be there. You are not there to cheer them up. You are there so they are not alone.

What to Bring to a Shiva House

Food, not flowers. Bring:

• A meal the family can freeze and eat later
• Bagels, cream cheese, lox, fruit platters, cakes, cookies
• If the home is kosher, make sure what you bring is kosher — call first

Avoid bringing anything that needs to be cooked or assembled. The family should not have to work.

The Longer Mourning Periods

Shiva is just the beginning. Jewish mourning continues in stages:

• Shloshim (30 days) — a lighter mourning period ending on the 30th day after burial. Mourners return to work but avoid celebrations, live music, and haircuts.
• 11 months (for a parent) — mourners recite kaddish daily at synagogue services.
• Yahrzeit — the annual anniversary of the death, marked by lighting a 24-hour candle and saying kaddish.
• Yizkor — memorial prayers said four times a year: Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, Passover, and Shavuot.

Each stage gradually returns the mourner to ordinary life while never letting the loss be forgotten.

Writing a Hesped (Jewish Eulogy)

A hesped is a specifically Jewish eulogy. The word comes from a root meaning "to lament" or "to praise." Traditionally, it is given by a rabbi who knew the deceased and by family members.

A good hesped does two things: it helps the community understand who this person really was, and it moves the listeners to genuine grief. In Jewish tradition, tears at a hesped are not a sign that you have done too much. They are a sign that you have done it right.

What to Include

• The person's Hebrew name — their full name, followed by "ben" or "bat" (son/daughter of) their father's name, and sometimes the mother's. For example: Sarah bat Avraham v'Rachel.
• Middot (character traits). What were their defining qualities? Were they known for tzedakah (charity), chesed (kindness), integrity, scholarship, wit?
• Specific stories. Jewish tradition values concreteness. Don't just say your grandmother was generous — tell the story of the time she emptied her purse for a stranger at the bus stop.
• Torah connections, if appropriate. A verse, a story from the weekly portion, a teaching that fit the person.
• Their role in family and community. Were they the host of every Shabbat dinner? The one who organized the synagogue kiddush? The teacher in the Hebrew school?
• Love of Judaism, if it was real to them. If they went to shul every week, say so. If Yiddish was their first language, say so. If they survived something enormous and still kept faith, say so.
• Humor is welcome. Jewish eulogies often include it, especially if the person was known for humor.

Keep it between 5 and 10 minutes. Longer is rarely better.

Sample Passage — For a Grandmother

My grandmother — Chana bat Moshe v'Leah — came through Ellis Island with her mother and two brothers in 1938. She was eleven years old. She didn't speak English. Her father had been sent ahead the year before and never came. She would not learn what had happened to him in Poland until she was 34. My grandmother lit Shabbat candles every single Friday night for 75 years. She lit them in her mother's apartment in Brooklyn. She lit them in the little house on Long Island where she raised four kids. She lit them in the nursing home last month, with shaky hands. She lit them because her mother had lit them and her grandmother had lit them and she was not going to be the one who stopped.

Sample Passage — For a Father

My father was not a man of big declarations. He did not say "I love you" lightly or often. But he showed up. Every Little League game. Every piano recital. Every doctor's appointment, every college move-in, every bad day. When my sister got divorced, he drove eight hours to help her pack. When my son was in the NICU, he sat in the waiting room for three days straight. In the tradition we were raised in, there is a Hebrew word — hineni — which means "here I am." It is what Abraham says when God calls him. It is what Moses says at the burning bush. It is, more than any other word, what my father's life said.

Sample Passage — With Humor

My uncle had opinions about everything. The state of the bagel industry. The correct way to load a dishwasher. The Mets. He could argue both sides of a point in the same sentence and mean it. At a seder, he once debated himself for 25 minutes about whether the bitter herbs were too bitter. He won both sides. He was maddening and he was wonderful, and every Passover from now on is going to be quieter without him, and we are all going to feel cheated.

Sample Passage — For a Holocaust Survivor

Zayde did not talk about what happened until he was 70 years old. Then one day, at a Shabbat table full of grandchildren, he started. He spoke for maybe 20 minutes. Then he stopped, he wiped his eyes, and he said, "Now eat. Eat everything. Leave nothing on your plate." That was his theology. That was his answer to what he had seen. Be alive. Be together. Eat. Don't waste what so many others never got to have. I have eaten every meal of my life since then with him at the table.

Hebrew Phrases You Can Include

A few Hebrew phrases commonly used in Jewish eulogies and mourning:

• "Zichrona/o livracha." — May her/his memory be a blessing. (Often abbreviated "z"l" after a person's name in writing.)
• "Baruch Dayan HaEmet." — Blessed is the True Judge. Said upon hearing of a death.
• "HaMakom yenachem etchem." — May God comfort you.
• "Yehi zichra/o baruch." — May her/his memory be a blessing.

You do not need to be fluent to use these. Say them simply and with feeling.

What to Avoid

A few things that can go wrong in a hesped:

• Don't make it about you. It is about the person who died.
• Don't speak ill of the dead. Jewish tradition is strict on this. If there is a hard truth, leave it out or reframe it gently.
• Don't skip the specific details. Vague praise is the enemy of a good hesped.
• Don't turn it into a sermon. If there is Torah, use it to illuminate the person, not to preach.
• Don't run long. The burial is waiting. The family is waiting. Say what matters and step down.

Frequently Asked Questions

How soon after death is a Jewish funeral held?

Jewish law calls for burial as soon as possible, ideally within 24 hours. In practice, funerals are usually held within one to three days. Delays are allowed for travel, Shabbat, or major holidays, but the principle is to avoid leaving the deceased unburied longer than necessary.

What is shiva?

Shiva is the seven-day mourning period observed by immediate family after a burial. Mourners stay home, sit on low chairs, and receive visitors who come to comfort them. Meals are provided by the community, mirrors are covered, and daily prayer services are often held in the home.

What is a hesped?

A hesped is the traditional Jewish eulogy. It is usually given by a rabbi and/or family members at the funeral service, either at the funeral home, the synagogue, or the graveside. A good hesped honors the specific character and deeds of the person, not generic praise.

Are flowers appropriate at a Jewish funeral?

No. Flowers are not part of Jewish funeral tradition. Instead, mourners and friends typically make a donation to a charity in the deceased's memory, or bring food to the shiva house. Some families indicate a preferred charity in the funeral announcement.

What is kaddish?

Kaddish is an Aramaic prayer recited by mourners at daily prayer services for 11 months after the death of a parent, and for 30 days for other close relatives. It is said every year on the anniversary of the death (yahrzeit). The prayer itself praises God and does not mention death directly.

Related Reading

If you'd like more help, these may be useful:

• Writing a eulogy for a mother
• Writing a eulogy for a father
• How to start a eulogy

Ready to Write Your Eulogy?

Writing a hesped for someone you loved is one of the hardest tasks Jewish tradition asks of you — and one of the most important. If you want help putting the words together in a way that honors the person, the tradition, and your own grief, our service can write a personalized draft for you based on your answers to a few simple questions.

You can start here. It takes about ten minutes, and you will have a draft you can read, edit, or share with your rabbi for input.